


He Was Happy

by XX_InfinityWriter_XX



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anorexic Dean, Dark, Depression, F/M, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Please Don't Hate Me, Sad Ending, Suicidal Dean, Suicide, Triggers, read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:25:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8491432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XX_InfinityWriter_XX/pseuds/XX_InfinityWriter_XX
Summary: He was happy, but that was before. 
Before his life went to shit. Before he lost the will to live.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please read with caution. I mean it. This is the darkest fic I've written and I don't want to get hate comments because of what happens. 
> 
> There will be a major character death. There will be minor character deaths. There are triggers in here and there is suicide in this fic. There are also mentions of anorexia. I am warning you and I don't want anyone to be upset about what I've written. This is what I wanted to write today. So I did. 
> 
> I debated not even posting it, but I did because I wanted to. Please, don't leave any mean comments because you didn't listen to my warnings. <3

He was happy.

He was happy when his mom was alive, before the fire took her. What kid wouldn’t be happy getting the crust cut off of their pb&j? She made him feel safe and loved, something he’s not sure he’s felt since she died. He loved her with all of his heart, as a son should. And when she was pregnant with Sam, hell, he was so excited. 

He was happy when Sam was born. He finally had a baby brother to hang out with and tease. He looked forward to teaching him how to flirt with girls and how to fight so that no kid ever thought to bully his baby brother. He immediately knew that it was his job to look after Sam. Nobody even had to tell him.

He was happy when he finally got his Baby, a beautiful Chevy Impala, from his dad. He had dreamed of owning that car since he was twelve years old and finally being gifted it for his eighteenth birthday was amazing. Finally being able to be behind the wheel, hear her engine purr as he sped down the open road with his music blasting-- he wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

He was happy when his dad died, as terrible as that sounds. He would never say it out loud, but he and Sam were finally free from the nomadic lifestyle their father made them live. The smelly motel rooms, the greasy diner food, the abuse-- all of it was finally gone. He knew he’d miss his dad, but at least he could stop being afraid of the sound of the door closing and sleeping with one eye open in case his dad came home drunk, again. 

He was happy when Sam got into Stanford. Or, he tried to be at least. What’s that saying? Say it enough and you’ll believe it? Yea, that was how he decided to live his life from the moment Sam got his acceptance letter, on. And it wasn’t a complete lie-- he was happy that his brother had a better future than him. That he would be okay in life. 

He was happy when Sam brought Jess home to meet him for the first time. Seeing how excited and in love his brother was made him so happy he could hardly breath. And she was so nice and good-- he knew that his brother would be okay. 

He was happy when Sam graduated. Getting to watch his brother walk across the stage to get his diploma and move his tassel-- hell, he’s not sure he’s ever been happier. It meant that he could finally see Sam live the life that he’d always wanted to live. 

He was happy when he heard that Sam proposed to Jess. Watching his baby brother take that step towards the ‘apple pie life’ that he’d dreamed of was great. Even if it meant that Sam would leave him to live with her and that he wouldn’t need him as much anymore. He was still glad that his brother got everything he wanted. Well, that’s what he told everyone, at least. 

He was happy when he was best man at Sam’s wedding. Seeing how much Sam loved Jess, how much she meant to him-- it was amazing. Sure, he had been a little jealous that Sam had gotten married before him, but at least his little brother was happy. That’s all that ever mattered. And listening to the couple’s vows, how they both promised to take care of each other and love each other til’ the end of time; that’s all he ever wanted for Sam. And if he cried himself to sleep every night after Sam finally moved out, it was only because he was so happy. 

He was happy when he ran into Castiel for the first time. It was three years after Sam got married and his first time feeling any emotion other than sad or depressed since. He walked into a small coffee shop on the corner that had just opened and there he was, stacking up paper coffee cups with dark hair sticking up everywhere. He went in and stuttered over his order, too mesmerized by the cashier’s blue eyes to speak clearly. 

He was happy when Castiel said he’d go on a date with him. It took a lot of convincing and him going into the coffee shop every day for three weeks, but Castiel finally said yes. He took Castiel to a fancy restaurant, which they left almost immediately after the realization that the place wasn’t ‘them’. So, they ended up in a sketchy looking diner eating bacon cheeseburgers and fries while they shared stories and fell in love, because he knows that he did. 

He was happy when he and Cas made love for the first time. God, he was more than happy, he was ecstatic. It was the day that he had finally man-d up and told Cas that he was in love with him and Cas said it back. He will never forget the soft sounds that Cas made, the feeling of Cas’s skin against his, or the way Cas breathed his name when he came. 

He was happy when Cas met Sam and Jess for the first time. He was nervous as hell, but Cas had seemed so excited when he’d mentioned it that he couldn’t possibly back out. He made dinner for all of them and invited Sam and Jess over, who accepted enthusiastically. The three hit it off, discussing schools and jobs and him, though he was sitting at the table with them. Seeing his family accept Cas, someone who he wanted to make family too-- he has no words for how good that made him feel. 

He was happy when Cas agreed to move in. Getting him to say yes was difficult, but after months of asking and many arguments that ended with him sleeping on the couch, Cas finally said yes. He was moved in within three days, which wasn’t hard, considering he already slept there every night. 

He was happy, no he overjoyed, when Cas proposed to him. He said yes so quickly he almost pulled something, of course. He’s not sure if he’s ever been so happy. Hearing Cas say those words, ‘will you marry me’, God knows he will never forget that, so long as he lives. 

He was happy at their wedding. Sam was his best man, of course, and having him stand next to him was great. But, the best part of the day was hearing Cas tell him that he loved him and that he was the best thing to ever happen to him. Though, what happened that night in their hotel room was definitely up there on the list of ‘Good Things That Happened On His Wedding Day’. 

He was happy. 

But, 

That was before.

Before Jess died, leaving Sam a widower who could barely get out of bed for a month. He’d had to force feed Sam because he wouldn’t eat by himself. Sam then moved in with he and Cas because he couldn’t bear to stay in he and Jess’s house without her there too. 

Before he and Cas started arguing more over the stupidest things, like the dishes or what they were having for dinner. He spent nearly every night sleeping on the couch and they only talked for important things. It got so bad that they didn’t have sex for three months. He was so terrified that Cas was going to divorce him that he had a panic attack every time Cas got angry. 

Before he stopped eating as he tried to lose weight in a desperate attempt to keep Cas from leaving him. He exercised seven days a week and ate as little as he could. He began growing weaker and weaker, but he just worked through it. His clothes got baggier and Cas noticed immediately. His dieting didn’t have the desired effect and Cas began getting angrier and angrier with him the longer he refused to eat. 

Before Sam attempted to kill himself because he couldn’t live without Jess. He found Sam in the guest room at his and Cas’s apartment with his wrists cut, blood covering the floor and the white bedsheets. He called 911 and quickly wrapped Sam’s wrists in towels, trying everything to keep his baby brother from bleeding out. It was a fruitless attempt and Sam ended up breathing his last breath in his arms. He will never forget the sight of his brother sitting in a puddle of his own blood, sobbing and crying out for Jess. 

Before he didn’t get out of bed. He cried himself to sleep everyday, sobbing and shaking. Cas would just hold him and cry with him, telling him how much he was loved and how sorry he was that Sam had died. Cas was finally able to get him out of bed two months after Sam’s funeral.

Before he couldn’t eat. He tried to force himself to eat everyday for months, but he couldn’t do it. He would gag and throw up, Cas would rub his back and tell him he loved him as he got sick in the toilet, and then the next day it would happen again. Over and over and over they repeated this cycle, with no avail. 

Before Cas dragged him to a rehab center because he’d lost fifty pounds. He is diagnosed as anorexic and forced to stay there, only allowed to see Cas once a week for an hour at a time. He tries to eat there too, but ends up hiding his food in his baggy pants when he can’t swallow anything. The doctors find out eventually and he gets to see the disappointed look on Cas’s face when the bastards tell him. 

Before he debates killing himself, just as Sam did a few months back. Thinks about how he could strangle himself with his blanket. He knows that his death would hurt Cas, but ultimately, it would only benefit him. Cas would finally be free from his craziness and the arguments and his overall patheticness. 

Before he gets word that Cas got in a car accident on the way to pick him up from the rehab place. He waited for three hours before the doctors got word and had to tell him that his husband was dead. He didn’t want to hear their bullshit and ended up leaving that god forsaken place. 

Before he went home from rehab after buying a rope from the hardware store. He found his old bottle of whiskey in the cabinet and chugged it, tears running down his face as he did. His hands shook as he tied the noose and attached the end of the rope to a bar in his closet. He grabbed a chair and stood on it, staring at the rope in front of his face. He apologizes to Cas and Sam, telling them both that he loved them and that he’ll see them soon before he slips the noose around his neck. 

He was happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. That was my story. I'm sorry that it was so dark and awful, but I'm hoping you enjoyed it anyways. <3


End file.
